You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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