just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
