I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize