3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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