drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
