I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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