there's paper in my vomit.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We have started to decorate penises.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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