i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
