She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
jump out the window naked night went bad
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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