I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
