It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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