Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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