I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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