my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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