i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You took a bar mat shot.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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