apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
