Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
