I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
