did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
