I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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