apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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