i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
