census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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