she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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