my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
