Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I puked a lego.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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