he shaved USA in his pubs
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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