Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
