Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Are we still banned from the library?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
