someone get that fucking seahorse.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
