i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
