I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
