I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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