Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
