We're like a lot better than the average bears
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
