The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
