She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
