hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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