Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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