Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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