my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
