Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
