420 ftw
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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