Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
