my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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