Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Randomize
