my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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