8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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