billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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