shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
