so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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