i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
