Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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