Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
