Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
