some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
