I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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