Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize