My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
