The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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