"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize