My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
